On Practice

A friend of mine, a published writer, has suggested that I should try submitting articles to online magazines.  The principle being that I gain experience with the whole proposal/writing/submission cycle even if I am rejected.

I cannot really argue; the position is sound.  Though I think the most important thing I need to work on is ideas.  I have plenty of confidence in my ability to write; deciding what to write about is trickier.  I have to come up with something the publication will want, that I can also write credibly about.  The web magazine I'm considering writing for is mostly focused on digital interactive entertainment; video games.  I'm not an avid gamer or MMO player myself, so of course I'm concerned that will affect my credibility.  Still, I know many gamers, and even people employed by the industry, so I have lots of research sources.

So, then, I must come up with a plan.  I've obtained the magazine's submission guidelines already, as well as their theme schedule.  The next step, I suppose, is to go through their archives to see what has been submitted before so I don't repeat anything.  After that I come up with a proposal and submit it.  It sounds so easy when I type it out, but I've always found it easier to work to a concrete goal and a deadline.  Starting is hard.

But then, isn't that what this part of my life is all about?  I'm trying to start something; a new life.

On Ambition

Today my Father discouraged me from furthering my education in a writing direction.  I am here at the keyboard thinking about that and trying to put it into context.  Throughout grade school and high school, creative writing was an activity that I enjoyed a great deal.  Even though it was often difficult, it was an activity in which I found satisfaction in completion.  Perhaps more importantly, writing is one of the few productive activities I've done outside of school for my own gratification.

To be fair to my Father, my writings have really never been published.  They exist almost in their entirety on the web, in select forums he would never explore.  Still, to be told flat out what I shouldn't do by someone who lacked all information incensed me.  I should not pursue a written-language-use career?  By what standard was his judgement made?  On top of that, there is the absence of any sort of constructive suggestion of an alternative.  I received no guidance that I recall when leaving high school, and no positive guidance now.  I have chosen to begin a haggard, stumbling march, full of ignorance, to the mysterious far-off country of ambition and self-respect.  Perhaps I am too closed in my expression.  Perhaps I do not clearly show how hard this is for me and how significant I feel these steps are; but to be pushed to abandon my small ambition by a person unaware of my talents, interests and fears burns me.

Writing, at least as an application of the composition and delivery of ideas, may well be the only thing I'm 'good at'.  It is certainly one of the very few things I am actually confident about.  Perhaps that, then, explains my anger as I type this.  To be told I cannot write is to be told I cannot do anything; it is to be denied worth as a human being.  My self-worth is already fragile. My confidence in my decision is already weak.   Hearing those words filled me with fear.

I do not believe, I cannot believe, my Father is intentionally cruel.  I suspect he, like myself, is simply poor at understanding the emotions of others.  The masks I wear to hide my own vulnerability can only be aggravating the problem.  He does not know that he is hurting me, and I do not know how to tell him.

So this is perhaps the first wall to be climbed on the road to my own very modest ambition.  To gather the courage to say 'I know myself better than you know me', and to walk towards the perils and pitfalls I've chosen myself.  I must become a man who makes decisions.

On Metaknowledge

Lately, I have been pushing myself in many areas I'm unfamiliar with. I'm hunting for a new job, trying to get back into school in the fall, reaching out to a different social circle and starting up this blog as a writing exercise. I have minimal experience in any of these areas, but while I'm stumbling a lot I have not actually ground to a halt. This I feel is because, while I lack knowledge in most of these areas, I have over the years accumulated some degree of meta-knowledge.

Meta knowledge, as I think of it, is the know-how of finding things out. It is knowing who to ask, and what to ask, to gain the information you need to accomplish something. It is of course slower to use meta knowledge to, for example, start up a blog than it is for someone who already possess the know-how. This is a problem for me, and I imagine many others, because our world is so time-limited.

To enroll in a college program beginning next September, I must apply in January and navigate a byzantine task-list including contacting several separate school systems for transcript requests, scheduling and attending various assessment sessions, and other peripherally related tasks all before the end of February. Had I known all of these procedures and the optimal order for them to be performed in ahead of time, there would be more than enough time to get them all accomplished. However, since I have no experience with navigating the enrollment procedure, I find myself rushing towards the deadlines. Worse, the need to apply immediately has forced me to select courses of study before I've had the time to really research the industries they're associated with.

(Note: the Blogger editor is fighting with me.  I can't get an unexplained jump out of the text after 'Had I known'.  I'm frustrated, so I'm putting it aside for now.)

Making the commitment

To be a writer, one must write.  So, like so many before me, I resolve to write something every day.  I expect it to be hard.  I hope it will be rewarding.